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IT FINALLY HAPPENED...

billy & i drove in to Pete's driveway right behind another car. I didn't pay attention to who was in it. wasn't any of my business. we walked up to the gate and john said "You know who that is don't ya?" Billy said "Yea it's ronnie." i didn't miss a beat. i turned and walked right up to that car and stood there while he wrote a $400 check to pete. For 2 months ronnie's not bought feed or paid anything for john's training their horse. Finally Ronnie said "Lynda - Sharon. Sharon - Lynda". we smiled and said interior  polite hello's. i then returned up to billy and john. ronnie and sharon finally walked up to where we stood. ronnie was very quiet. didn't say much at all. I smarted off "Took ya long enough to bring some money on that nag." didn't think. it just fell outa my mouth. couldn't resist it. he made no remark.

naturally i sized sharon up ... woman to woman. she's in her early 30's. he robbed the cradle. he's 44. she fresh faced, with dimple. no what i call pretty. but "cute" , maybe. to him she would be cute anyway. she has shoulder length curly brown hair that was pulled up under one of his dirty work hats. I'm 5'1". She's may 5' tall and 4 ft around. I felt like miss america standing next to her. i know. that sounds conceited. perhaps it is an ego thing. I'm not skinny, but not "fat" either. but i could stand to lose some weight, but next to her I fell thin. I just don't know what he sees in her other than honeycomb sweet facade she put off. she's a little bitch that "thinks" she can ride. she couldn't ride a jackass. john wouldn't let her ride her horse yesterday, yet he and i had spoken earlier that day and he offered me a chance to ride it again after he worked him out first later this week. he never mentioned that opportunity to her.

I think sharon puts forth a sweet dripping facade, but is a little bitch in reality. I know that from some of the stunts she's already pulled with me ....like putting the ringback tone on his cell phone...."here's a quarter, call someone who cares." I know she did it because ronnie doesn't know how to do that stuff on his phone. i asked him once if he loved her and he hesitated before finally sayin yes. that tells me he's not ' in love' with her. he's on the rebound. period. he picked a girl he will be able to control , who won't nag him about his drinking & won't nag about his never finishing anything. and i feel she is the type that pities his selfish mother even. something i never felt for the woman. ugh. gag me with a spoon. sweet my ass. she's a little naive girl.

my mother left yesterday. i'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo glad she's finally GONE! she's an oppressive individual and i end up feeling bitchy at best, morose at worst. i'm somewhere in the middle right now. i do nothing that pleases my mother. period. nothing. every compliment is a backhanded compliment. LIke " you're such a pretty girl, but you could stand to shed a few pounds." Gee thanks mom! How am i supposed to take that? "You keep a neat home." Then later bitch because i haven't swept or done dishes yet. Hell it's MY HOUSE! I'll do it when i get damn well ready! *sigh* mother. she's going to be the death of me. my nerves are shot when she's around more than a day or two. she simply cannot come stay with us again. it's just not working. she's healthy enough now and can drive herself to dialysis now that her truck is down here. i just can't do it anymore. not under her constant scrutiny and criticism.

i haven't done anything today. been too wiped out from having mother here all week. just have taken the day off to vegetate. am downloading ICQ now so i can chat. i'm so freakin tired it's rediculous.

well, that all my venting for now. i'm a bitch today. not good company for anyone. not even boomer wants to be around me. he's been in the bedroom asleep all day. hmmmmmmmm.

take care. i'll try to be in a better mood next time.

I 'preciate the encouragement....

it means a lot to me. today was a rather mundane day. i realized i got slightly manic yesterday too because i forgot to take my meds. therefore the brain just wouldn't shut down. still....i can't ignore the thoughts i had either. Each makes a valid point in my processing life with billy.

the puppies have really grown on me. especially the little black boy pup. He's black as coal and i've named him Smutt Mutt. He's the calmer and smartest of the two. the little brown female is much more agressive. GOTTA find her a home somewhere. It's hard to housebreak to at the same time, but with mama's help, we're trying. I call the china brown one Buffy.

Boomer, poor guy, is very much "the old man". He tolerates them, but growls when they mess with his tail. just a "get off my ass" low short growl. He's not tried to hurt them in any way, and today actually tolerating Smutt falling asleep across boomer belly. that was a cute sight. I'm trying to help him not feel jealous of the pups. He's trying hard to accept them, but is reluctant in it.

it's gonna be cold tomorrow and wet. i feel sorry for my horses when it gets messy outside. yea, they have sheds to get under. still, I feel for them out in the cold. Yet to feel their fur, one finds they are quite insulated & actually their skin feels warm. i'm missing riding. am wanting to ride all of them, so as soo as the weather permits, i'm gonna be back at it again.

we've planned two big trailrides out here this year with an area association. ONe in May. ONe in September. It will nice weather for both i hope. gonna be a lot of people here too. easy to see a hundred riders sometimes. they're mostly african-american. they all seem to love me and that's always a surprise to me.

My friend John, who trains horses with me....has gotten screwed over by ronnie. ronnie bought a horse at the sale barn for $200 & gave it to John to train on barrels, & bought ONE sack of feed. the horse has been at johns now nearly 3 months i think & he hasn't seen feed nor money out of ronnie for the work he's doing. so john has taken that horse now & rather than teaching it barrels, is training it to be a ropin' horse & his training fee just doubled. Can't say as I blame him. ronnie ignores his calls.

ronnie..... well i do still think of him, but i'm not "dwelling" on it as badly as I did in the beginning. I can't believe he and i are divorced after 18 years together. It just blows my mind. It took him all of 3 months to replace me. wow. THAT was love. hmmmmmmmmmm. but i had billy too. so can't really harp on that now can I? ONe of ron's dumb ass friendds went to jail recently. I HAD to laugh at his dumb ass. He was drunk and actin stupid. He has a big orange flashing light on the top of his truck and a siren. And he drinks like a fish. There was a wreck nearby and he went running down there with his "toys" and they arrested him! HEHE....serves him right. He ain't as smart as he thinks he is! I wouldn't doubt if ronnie didn't have to bail him out either. wouldn't THAT be a hoot?!

well, i guess i'll shut up now. gonna go watch tv with mama and billy. take care. have a good day / evening. chow for now

Getting Nails done tomarrow.
Mike has vacation time off from work. coming up this week..
seeing as he never talks to me. i should be a bitch and dont get on the whole week he's off.
Arielle told me some news tonight.. stilll cant breathe..
prom was tonight i didnt go.

Carry your picture in my shoe.
and keep walking, keep walking
till the hurtin stops.